Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Missing You

          I'm sitting here deep in thought as I've done a thousand times before, with teardrops streaming down my face.  The holidays are particularly harder as you get older, at least they are for me.  Seems like so many conversations begin with "Guess who died" now.  I think about all the years that have gone before and I can't believe how much time I wasted. When you're young you always think the people around you will be there forever.  I know I did.  I never pictured a world where my grandparents didn't exist. I never pictured a world where my parents didn't exist.  But that world has now become my reality.  All my grandparents and both my parents are gone now.
          So often I find myself now sitting staring off into space, either lost in thought or reliving old memories.  I have a lot of regrets and wish I could go back and do some things differently.  I took them all for granted, especially my parents.  I remember getting into arguments with my mom and not speaking to her for weeks.  Now I'd give almost anything to talk to her.  I used to complain that she called me multiple times a day just to "chat".  Now I'd trade all the money in the world to pick up the phone and hear her cheery voice on the other end.
          Most of the time I pretend I'm alright. No need in depressing everyone else around me.  But secretly I cry a lot nowadays, pretty much daily as a matter of fact.  Anything can trigger my tearful outbursts; a commercial on the television, a song, something someone says, anything really.  I find myself jealous of people who still have their parents and grandparents.  I don't hate them but I sure do envy them.  I tell people all the time now not to take them for granted.  Spend time with them, call them when you can, don't complain about them.  They'll be gone one day and you'll miss them.  Yes I have become one of those people.
          I know I'm not the only person in the world who suffers from greater depression around the holiday season.  I'm not planning on doing anything to hurt myself, I'm just sad and miss my loved ones.  But there are thousands of people out there that suffer from depression everyday and the holidays make it ten times worse for them.  So when you send up a prayer or think good thoughts or whatever it is you do and/or believe in, keep these strangers in mind.  They may be closer than you think.  One of them could even be one of your loved ones.


Suicide Hotlines
Suicide Prevention Hotline
TWITTER lifeline
Psych Central

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